A Rock and a Rose

The rock - given to me in my theology class to carry around in my pocket to remind me of something in my                    life that still needs God's power to be broken.
The rose - a symbol for the idea of needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness from someone.

Let me start with the rock.

I hate the rock. It is annoying. My animosity towards this stupid rock seems ridiculous. I have carried it with me all week and often pulled it out of my pocket just to stare and glare at it. I realize it shouldn't be the rock itself to be struggling with, but should be symbolism of the rock and what it stands for in my life that I should be wrestling with. Yet, the tangibility of the rock was powerful. I could feel it and look at it move it around.

For a long time I have protected myself from perceived rejection by putting up walls and not letting anybody in. Sure I have revealed my heart and have had deep conversations.. but there is a great fear that has a strong hold on me. Because of my past experience with overcoming homosexuality... there is also still a fear that people might perceive me as "gay." I have a funny, quirky, random side to me that I don't feel like I can express until I get to know people well enough that I can trust them. I also have a tendency to let my physical appearance define my identity. Envy is a nasty nasty thing. Proverbs says "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Part of my past struggle with homosexuality has been feeling inadequate and seeing characteristics in others that I desire for myself. My envy often turns into resentment and I find myself pushing away from people simply because I'm jealous. I often tell myself "Matt this is stupid, you should have overcome this by now. You haven't figured this out yet? Common, we have worked through this before." But I am still struggling with it and that is what this rock represents.

It would have been easy to throw away the rock. It would have felt freeing for a moment to walk aside a river and cast my rock far into the depths, hoping to never see it again. But the brokenness would still be there, inside me, not at the bottom of the lake. Though I haven't completely accepted the rock, I feel that this is what the Holy Spirit is asking me to do. Accept the rock. Accept my brokenness. Accept that I am human and I have weaknesses. "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God is a powerful God. I know he is asking me to trust him. The process of God breaking this rock is going to take time. Instead of looking at the rock as something I despise, I can now look back at it as a milestone.

The rose was much easier. Last week I confronted someone at work about not doing what they had been asked to do. As a manager this is my job to follow up with people. When I confronted him he blew up in my face and denied everything I was saying. He then told my boss that I was yelling at him and was trying to get in his face and get physical. This type of "false witness" account caused me to be pretty frustrated. Before the job I remembered I prayed for a job opportunity that I could show Christ's love. So I forgave him. It was pretty simple and very freeing.

So there you have it. My rock and my rose.

Kenosis

     For my Theology class we were given the assignment of having a "kenosis" experience. In Christian theology, kenosis (from the Greek word for emptiness) is the 'self-emptying' of one's own will and becoming entirely receptive to God's divine will. We were assigned to have an experience where we were to strip ourselves of something we were holding too tightly.. possibly something we were holding as an idol before God. I couldn't think of any material possession I felt I was holding too tightly and I became frustrated at trying to find something. I decided I would go to my room, kneel down, pray, and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal something I was putting between us. As I was praying, I happened to look over to my closet and see my really nice sleeping bag from REI, very expensive I might add, and felt a strong overwhelming push from the Holy Spirit. My immediate response was, "NOOOOO!!!!" However, the Holy Spirit continued to push and remind me what he has been speaking to me lately. 

     The very night before, I had a dream about going on a trip with my roommate. Before my roommate and I left, I packed into the car my bag of clothes, sleeping bag, and pillow. My roommate looked at me funny and told me I was only allowed to bring one bag. So I decided that my clothes were most important and I brought the sleeping bag and pillow back into the house. When we got to our location, my roommate got out of the car and unloaded his bag of clothes, his sleeping bag, and his pillow. I look at him bewildered and told him I thought we were only allowed to bring one bag. He said "Yeah, one BAG. I brought my sleeping bag and pillow because they aren't really 'bags'". I was a little angry. The dream continued with me having to sleep in a notch in the wall, high above the ground, on a blanket on hard floor; a very uncomfortable place. In the dream, the next morning, I wake up and see that I could have slept on a nice fluffy couch that no-one was using. Again, I found myself angry.

     I have been having many dreams lately. I seem to always have a lot of dreams, but I had never questioned the significance of them or knew if they ever meant anything. I ended up writing my dreams down in a journal and then giving them to a fellow RTI student, Brittany Cox, who has the spiritual gift of prophecy and interpreting dreams. The dream I just explained was very similar to dreams I have been having a lot. In Britt's response to my dreams she wrote, "These dreams keep pointing out a timidness to being caught in a position where you aren't fully comfortable, but God is still pushing for you to make a move."

     It was clear to me that God was asking me to empty myself of choosing comfort over His will. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to go behind Wallace Marine Park and give my stuff to someone homeless, and immediately I felt a sense of anxiety come over me. When God leads me to do something out of my comfort zone, I usually face what I now realize is the spiritual attack of anxiety and fear. But, God was asking me to give up my comfort for his Glory, and so I got in the car and started driving. 

     When I got there, I took my bag with the pillow, sleeping bag and tent inside, and headed off to the woods. I followed different paths, going further and further away from the park, heading deeper into the woods. It was beautiful. The sun was shining through the trees and the gentle breeze was refreshing. The trees were radiant green and I felt a sense of peace. I ended up coming to a little homeless shelter that someone had built and I peeked my head inside to see if anyone was home. No-one was there but I could tell the camp was being used. I took the sleeping bag, pillow, and tent, and propped them up against each other in the middle of the shelter. I emptied my wallet of the 27 dollars I had and placed it on top so someone would know that it was a gift and not just someone moving in. I through a couple rolls of toilet paper on top and called it good. 

     On my way back I stopped by the river and sat down on a patch of green grass. I had an overwhelming sense of peace and was reminded of Psalms 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul." That was the first time I understood "I lack nothing." If I have the Holy Spirit, if I have a God who loves me more than I can even fathom, who promises to provide for my every need.... I have everything. My prayer is that I will continue to follow God where he leads me, choosing his will over my comfort. I know it will not always be easy, but I will always know that he is with me.