Identity

In my journey to find my identity in Christ I have searched the Bible for what it says, then later forget what it says and feel shameful, realize I am a son of God, and then forget the significance. I wake up some mornings and declare that I will not let the world define who I am, and then later that day feel envious of people who have it "better than I do" in a very worldly standard. However, I have come to the realization that the Godly qualities and character statements God promises are just... there. They are true, real, not in the distance, but actually manifested in who I am. The problem is whether or not I recognize these truths, or instead let lies define who I am.

A lie I have been wrestling with for a long time is "I'm not good enough." Or, "I don't have what it takes." Growing up, I came to the conclusion that I was "weak." Nobody likes to feel weak. In fact it makes me uncomfortable just writing about feeling weak. Often times, though, I have tried to be strong in my own strength. It just doesn't work. The more I surrender myself to God, submit to his will, obey what he calls me to do, and spend time in his presence, strength just happens. When I focus on all the things in my life that I feel I need to overcome, I get tunnel vision on trying to fix things and I forget the very answer to these problems that literally dwells within my very body; the Holy Spirit. 

One of the identity statements I chose to carry with me this week was "I am a son of God; God is spiritually my Father (Rom. 8:14,15; Gal. 3:26; 4:6). Thinking about God as my actual Father blown my mind. Like I still don't think I fully understand what this actually means because it is so awesome. God, my father, who is perfect in every way, teaches me, builds me up, strengthens me, loves me, and takes me on wild adventures. When I think of Jesus, I literally just want to just run up to him and embrace him in a huge hug. The other night my roommate, Zack, and I were sitting in the living room and prayed that Jesus would come chill with us on the couch. It would be so awesome! I just want to be with Jesus and spend time with him in person. But I know that must wait. However, I do feel like I truly love Jesus. When I am in his presence, everything is just washed away and I feel like I can go conquer the world. God is my strength. Not myself, not what the world says, but my Dad, my Friend, and my Counselor. 

The word I feel God is speaking to me is "remain." John 15:4 says, " Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me." In a very practical sense, I want to remain in Jesus by keeping him priority. This means my time with him in the mornings, before anything else. It means choosing to follow where he leads me instead of what I want to do. I know that through spending time with God, whether in the morning during my reading, or during a prayer walk behind Wallace Marine Park, he will continue to help me recognize who he has made me to be and help me accept the promises he has given us.

The Cross?

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me" (Matt. 16:24).

Carrying around a cross with me for a week was difficult, weird, challenging, confusing, challenging, oh and also challenging. It was also pretty weird and difficult. I wrestled with the meaning of the assignment for pretty much the whole week. Actually I'm still wrestling with it.. I think the assignment had good value..(though I'm still trying to figure out what)... but it was the way I interacted with the assignment that was challenging. 

I've realized that in order for me to go along with a vision, a task, a decision, a goal, and/or a process, I need to clearly understand the meaning of what it is I am doing. I don't feel like I walked away from class last week with a clear understanding of the goal of the assignment. Yeah, to carry our cross around for a week, but why? I feel most of my energy was spent coming up with a reason of why I was doing it. All the while, it pained me that I was doing something without knowing the reason for why I was doing it. I found myself not wanting to take it in to certain places because I was almost...embarrassed to have it. I'm not embarrassed to share about Christ, to witness about Him, and to teach about Him, but I was embarrassed for doing something that I didn't understand.

In the verse above, the words "deny themselves" and "follow me" are the goal. "Take up your cross" to me means denying yourself and following Jesus even if it means to the point of death. I look at this as "Obedience to Christ even if it leads to dying." However, I was so distracted by the cross I was carrying around that I didn't focus on obedience at all. It would have been more helpful to me if I had asked myself "What is God calling me to be obedient to and am I willing to follow him and do it?"

For awhile I thought the cross would be a helpful way to witness to people. It wasn't. Ninety-five percent of the time I got weird looks. When I was standing in line at Walmart a older lady walked by, looked me up and down.. and said "Hmmmm..!" in a very condescending tone and then walked away. Weird looks and all that doesn't bother me. What bothered me is that I didn't get an opportunity to share about Christ. Someone pointed out that maybe this assignment wasn't to witness to other people.. but rather it was for us to struggle and wrestle with... to find out what it means to bear your cross. I found this to be true. 

A few mornings ago I needed to get out of the house and go on a walk. As I was walking through the park praying and talking to God, I realized I didn't have my cross with me. I decided that I didn't want it with me. I wanted people to see the the image of the cross in me. I want people to see Jesus through the way I love them and the way I give them grace. I want people to know I'm a Christ follower because I am willing to die for Him. It's through people seeing me deny the things of this world, seeing me give up sinful desires, and seeing me be obedient to God's will that will witness the loudest. I pray for God to shape me into this person and give me the strength and boldness to follow Him even if it means discomfort and persecution, or even if it means death.