I Remember

Taking Theology and Life II was a great experience for me. Before starting Theology 1, I was hesitant in how I would like the class in fear that everything I learned would all become head knowledge... and stay there. However, this was not the case. The class activities that crossed over with a practical theological topic made learning interesting, fun, and... nerve wracking at times.

I remember the rock digging into my pocket reminding me of some deep fears and relational breakdowns that were keeping me from growing in my walk with God. This rock became a milestone of growth that I can look back on.

I remember forging into the forest with my sleeping bag, pillow, and tent to surrender them to someone in need. God showed me he is the one that fills me, not material possessions.

I remember holding my cross and panicking before walking into a store where I would clearly stand out as a "Christian." I came to realize I want Christ's character and the representation of the cross to be visible by my own character and the way I give others grace and show them love.

I remember being attacked with lies from the enemy and pulling a piece of paper out of my pocket to remind me of the truth in who God has created me to be. I am God's friend; God is fathering me.

The Holy Spirit was clearly at work in me throughout the time of this class. This class will probably be one of the most memorable because there was so much "doing" that was a part of it. That is how I learn; by doing
I am thankful that God has sent His Holy Spirit to guide me and lead me forward. As I continue learning about theology I know that making a practical application will help be learn significantly. I'll miss this class!

Among the Hmong

Today I got the opportunity to visit Salem Community Hmong Alliance Church. Sitting here writing my blog post, I am remembering that we were supposed to visit a church with a different denomination. I didn't do that. 

BUT, this was still an awesome experience to visit a church with an entirely different culture. I traveled with my team that I will be traveling to Thailand this December. We wanted to visit a Hmong Church here in Oregon so we could get a feel for the church and people before we witnessed to them overseas. Salem Community Hmong Alliance Church is a small church in a small building way out in the middle of Aumsville. I had emailed them in advance to ask them if we could visit their congregation and they gave us a very warm welcome right from the very beginning. 

When we showed up we were immediately greeted by several people. People kept coming up to us to shake our hands and introduce themselves. They were simply excited to have us there. They had a small talented worship team that sang songs in both English and Hmong. It was awesome to be in a room where people are singing about Jesus in an entirely different language! I tried to sing some of their lyrics, but I sounded extremely stupid. Especially when they have words like "chylingg" on the screen but pronounce it "nyoo." Like what? How does that even..... 

Anyway,  

Our team got a chance to go in front of the Church and tell them about our missions trip. The congregation had a lot of questions for us and were very interested in what we were doing, especially since we were going to the villages that some of their families live or have come from. 

The pastor spoke in Hmong and translated some parts to English. His sermon was about finding security in God and not our own achievements. His message wasn't to different that a sermon would be at Salem Alliance. Overall, there was a very similar feel to Salem Alliance. There were pretty conservative in their worship... clapping... not many hands raised... again, very similar to SAC. The biggest difference is that it felt more like a close intimate family. Salem Alliance feels like a family too, but in a different way. Our family is much larger and you can walk into a service and only recognize a few faces. But overall I had a a great time at this Church. They asked us to come back after our trip and share pictures and stories with them. They said they would cook us Hmong food and have a huge cook off for us, so I'm down for that. There was also a really cute girl that sang worship... and I'm pretty sure she needs to be my wife. So that's good. 

Though I didn't visit a church with a different denomination, it was a great opportunity for me to experience an Alliance Church in a smaller setting. I will definitely look forward to returning!

Identity

In my journey to find my identity in Christ I have searched the Bible for what it says, then later forget what it says and feel shameful, realize I am a son of God, and then forget the significance. I wake up some mornings and declare that I will not let the world define who I am, and then later that day feel envious of people who have it "better than I do" in a very worldly standard. However, I have come to the realization that the Godly qualities and character statements God promises are just... there. They are true, real, not in the distance, but actually manifested in who I am. The problem is whether or not I recognize these truths, or instead let lies define who I am.

A lie I have been wrestling with for a long time is "I'm not good enough." Or, "I don't have what it takes." Growing up, I came to the conclusion that I was "weak." Nobody likes to feel weak. In fact it makes me uncomfortable just writing about feeling weak. Often times, though, I have tried to be strong in my own strength. It just doesn't work. The more I surrender myself to God, submit to his will, obey what he calls me to do, and spend time in his presence, strength just happens. When I focus on all the things in my life that I feel I need to overcome, I get tunnel vision on trying to fix things and I forget the very answer to these problems that literally dwells within my very body; the Holy Spirit. 

One of the identity statements I chose to carry with me this week was "I am a son of God; God is spiritually my Father (Rom. 8:14,15; Gal. 3:26; 4:6). Thinking about God as my actual Father blown my mind. Like I still don't think I fully understand what this actually means because it is so awesome. God, my father, who is perfect in every way, teaches me, builds me up, strengthens me, loves me, and takes me on wild adventures. When I think of Jesus, I literally just want to just run up to him and embrace him in a huge hug. The other night my roommate, Zack, and I were sitting in the living room and prayed that Jesus would come chill with us on the couch. It would be so awesome! I just want to be with Jesus and spend time with him in person. But I know that must wait. However, I do feel like I truly love Jesus. When I am in his presence, everything is just washed away and I feel like I can go conquer the world. God is my strength. Not myself, not what the world says, but my Dad, my Friend, and my Counselor. 

The word I feel God is speaking to me is "remain." John 15:4 says, " Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me." In a very practical sense, I want to remain in Jesus by keeping him priority. This means my time with him in the mornings, before anything else. It means choosing to follow where he leads me instead of what I want to do. I know that through spending time with God, whether in the morning during my reading, or during a prayer walk behind Wallace Marine Park, he will continue to help me recognize who he has made me to be and help me accept the promises he has given us.

The Cross?

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me" (Matt. 16:24).

Carrying around a cross with me for a week was difficult, weird, challenging, confusing, challenging, oh and also challenging. It was also pretty weird and difficult. I wrestled with the meaning of the assignment for pretty much the whole week. Actually I'm still wrestling with it.. I think the assignment had good value..(though I'm still trying to figure out what)... but it was the way I interacted with the assignment that was challenging. 

I've realized that in order for me to go along with a vision, a task, a decision, a goal, and/or a process, I need to clearly understand the meaning of what it is I am doing. I don't feel like I walked away from class last week with a clear understanding of the goal of the assignment. Yeah, to carry our cross around for a week, but why? I feel most of my energy was spent coming up with a reason of why I was doing it. All the while, it pained me that I was doing something without knowing the reason for why I was doing it. I found myself not wanting to take it in to certain places because I was almost...embarrassed to have it. I'm not embarrassed to share about Christ, to witness about Him, and to teach about Him, but I was embarrassed for doing something that I didn't understand.

In the verse above, the words "deny themselves" and "follow me" are the goal. "Take up your cross" to me means denying yourself and following Jesus even if it means to the point of death. I look at this as "Obedience to Christ even if it leads to dying." However, I was so distracted by the cross I was carrying around that I didn't focus on obedience at all. It would have been more helpful to me if I had asked myself "What is God calling me to be obedient to and am I willing to follow him and do it?"

For awhile I thought the cross would be a helpful way to witness to people. It wasn't. Ninety-five percent of the time I got weird looks. When I was standing in line at Walmart a older lady walked by, looked me up and down.. and said "Hmmmm..!" in a very condescending tone and then walked away. Weird looks and all that doesn't bother me. What bothered me is that I didn't get an opportunity to share about Christ. Someone pointed out that maybe this assignment wasn't to witness to other people.. but rather it was for us to struggle and wrestle with... to find out what it means to bear your cross. I found this to be true. 

A few mornings ago I needed to get out of the house and go on a walk. As I was walking through the park praying and talking to God, I realized I didn't have my cross with me. I decided that I didn't want it with me. I wanted people to see the the image of the cross in me. I want people to see Jesus through the way I love them and the way I give them grace. I want people to know I'm a Christ follower because I am willing to die for Him. It's through people seeing me deny the things of this world, seeing me give up sinful desires, and seeing me be obedient to God's will that will witness the loudest. I pray for God to shape me into this person and give me the strength and boldness to follow Him even if it means discomfort and persecution, or even if it means death.

A Rock and a Rose

The rock - given to me in my theology class to carry around in my pocket to remind me of something in my                    life that still needs God's power to be broken.
The rose - a symbol for the idea of needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness from someone.

Let me start with the rock.

I hate the rock. It is annoying. My animosity towards this stupid rock seems ridiculous. I have carried it with me all week and often pulled it out of my pocket just to stare and glare at it. I realize it shouldn't be the rock itself to be struggling with, but should be symbolism of the rock and what it stands for in my life that I should be wrestling with. Yet, the tangibility of the rock was powerful. I could feel it and look at it move it around.

For a long time I have protected myself from perceived rejection by putting up walls and not letting anybody in. Sure I have revealed my heart and have had deep conversations.. but there is a great fear that has a strong hold on me. Because of my past experience with overcoming homosexuality... there is also still a fear that people might perceive me as "gay." I have a funny, quirky, random side to me that I don't feel like I can express until I get to know people well enough that I can trust them. I also have a tendency to let my physical appearance define my identity. Envy is a nasty nasty thing. Proverbs says "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Part of my past struggle with homosexuality has been feeling inadequate and seeing characteristics in others that I desire for myself. My envy often turns into resentment and I find myself pushing away from people simply because I'm jealous. I often tell myself "Matt this is stupid, you should have overcome this by now. You haven't figured this out yet? Common, we have worked through this before." But I am still struggling with it and that is what this rock represents.

It would have been easy to throw away the rock. It would have felt freeing for a moment to walk aside a river and cast my rock far into the depths, hoping to never see it again. But the brokenness would still be there, inside me, not at the bottom of the lake. Though I haven't completely accepted the rock, I feel that this is what the Holy Spirit is asking me to do. Accept the rock. Accept my brokenness. Accept that I am human and I have weaknesses. "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God is a powerful God. I know he is asking me to trust him. The process of God breaking this rock is going to take time. Instead of looking at the rock as something I despise, I can now look back at it as a milestone.

The rose was much easier. Last week I confronted someone at work about not doing what they had been asked to do. As a manager this is my job to follow up with people. When I confronted him he blew up in my face and denied everything I was saying. He then told my boss that I was yelling at him and was trying to get in his face and get physical. This type of "false witness" account caused me to be pretty frustrated. Before the job I remembered I prayed for a job opportunity that I could show Christ's love. So I forgave him. It was pretty simple and very freeing.

So there you have it. My rock and my rose.

Kenosis

     For my Theology class we were given the assignment of having a "kenosis" experience. In Christian theology, kenosis (from the Greek word for emptiness) is the 'self-emptying' of one's own will and becoming entirely receptive to God's divine will. We were assigned to have an experience where we were to strip ourselves of something we were holding too tightly.. possibly something we were holding as an idol before God. I couldn't think of any material possession I felt I was holding too tightly and I became frustrated at trying to find something. I decided I would go to my room, kneel down, pray, and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal something I was putting between us. As I was praying, I happened to look over to my closet and see my really nice sleeping bag from REI, very expensive I might add, and felt a strong overwhelming push from the Holy Spirit. My immediate response was, "NOOOOO!!!!" However, the Holy Spirit continued to push and remind me what he has been speaking to me lately. 

     The very night before, I had a dream about going on a trip with my roommate. Before my roommate and I left, I packed into the car my bag of clothes, sleeping bag, and pillow. My roommate looked at me funny and told me I was only allowed to bring one bag. So I decided that my clothes were most important and I brought the sleeping bag and pillow back into the house. When we got to our location, my roommate got out of the car and unloaded his bag of clothes, his sleeping bag, and his pillow. I look at him bewildered and told him I thought we were only allowed to bring one bag. He said "Yeah, one BAG. I brought my sleeping bag and pillow because they aren't really 'bags'". I was a little angry. The dream continued with me having to sleep in a notch in the wall, high above the ground, on a blanket on hard floor; a very uncomfortable place. In the dream, the next morning, I wake up and see that I could have slept on a nice fluffy couch that no-one was using. Again, I found myself angry.

     I have been having many dreams lately. I seem to always have a lot of dreams, but I had never questioned the significance of them or knew if they ever meant anything. I ended up writing my dreams down in a journal and then giving them to a fellow RTI student, Brittany Cox, who has the spiritual gift of prophecy and interpreting dreams. The dream I just explained was very similar to dreams I have been having a lot. In Britt's response to my dreams she wrote, "These dreams keep pointing out a timidness to being caught in a position where you aren't fully comfortable, but God is still pushing for you to make a move."

     It was clear to me that God was asking me to empty myself of choosing comfort over His will. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to go behind Wallace Marine Park and give my stuff to someone homeless, and immediately I felt a sense of anxiety come over me. When God leads me to do something out of my comfort zone, I usually face what I now realize is the spiritual attack of anxiety and fear. But, God was asking me to give up my comfort for his Glory, and so I got in the car and started driving. 

     When I got there, I took my bag with the pillow, sleeping bag and tent inside, and headed off to the woods. I followed different paths, going further and further away from the park, heading deeper into the woods. It was beautiful. The sun was shining through the trees and the gentle breeze was refreshing. The trees were radiant green and I felt a sense of peace. I ended up coming to a little homeless shelter that someone had built and I peeked my head inside to see if anyone was home. No-one was there but I could tell the camp was being used. I took the sleeping bag, pillow, and tent, and propped them up against each other in the middle of the shelter. I emptied my wallet of the 27 dollars I had and placed it on top so someone would know that it was a gift and not just someone moving in. I through a couple rolls of toilet paper on top and called it good. 

     On my way back I stopped by the river and sat down on a patch of green grass. I had an overwhelming sense of peace and was reminded of Psalms 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul." That was the first time I understood "I lack nothing." If I have the Holy Spirit, if I have a God who loves me more than I can even fathom, who promises to provide for my every need.... I have everything. My prayer is that I will continue to follow God where he leads me, choosing his will over my comfort. I know it will not always be easy, but I will always know that he is with me.