A Rock and a Rose

The rock - given to me in my theology class to carry around in my pocket to remind me of something in my                    life that still needs God's power to be broken.
The rose - a symbol for the idea of needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness from someone.

Let me start with the rock.

I hate the rock. It is annoying. My animosity towards this stupid rock seems ridiculous. I have carried it with me all week and often pulled it out of my pocket just to stare and glare at it. I realize it shouldn't be the rock itself to be struggling with, but should be symbolism of the rock and what it stands for in my life that I should be wrestling with. Yet, the tangibility of the rock was powerful. I could feel it and look at it move it around.

For a long time I have protected myself from perceived rejection by putting up walls and not letting anybody in. Sure I have revealed my heart and have had deep conversations.. but there is a great fear that has a strong hold on me. Because of my past experience with overcoming homosexuality... there is also still a fear that people might perceive me as "gay." I have a funny, quirky, random side to me that I don't feel like I can express until I get to know people well enough that I can trust them. I also have a tendency to let my physical appearance define my identity. Envy is a nasty nasty thing. Proverbs says "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Part of my past struggle with homosexuality has been feeling inadequate and seeing characteristics in others that I desire for myself. My envy often turns into resentment and I find myself pushing away from people simply because I'm jealous. I often tell myself "Matt this is stupid, you should have overcome this by now. You haven't figured this out yet? Common, we have worked through this before." But I am still struggling with it and that is what this rock represents.

It would have been easy to throw away the rock. It would have felt freeing for a moment to walk aside a river and cast my rock far into the depths, hoping to never see it again. But the brokenness would still be there, inside me, not at the bottom of the lake. Though I haven't completely accepted the rock, I feel that this is what the Holy Spirit is asking me to do. Accept the rock. Accept my brokenness. Accept that I am human and I have weaknesses. "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God is a powerful God. I know he is asking me to trust him. The process of God breaking this rock is going to take time. Instead of looking at the rock as something I despise, I can now look back at it as a milestone.

The rose was much easier. Last week I confronted someone at work about not doing what they had been asked to do. As a manager this is my job to follow up with people. When I confronted him he blew up in my face and denied everything I was saying. He then told my boss that I was yelling at him and was trying to get in his face and get physical. This type of "false witness" account caused me to be pretty frustrated. Before the job I remembered I prayed for a job opportunity that I could show Christ's love. So I forgave him. It was pretty simple and very freeing.

So there you have it. My rock and my rose.