Kenosis

     For my Theology class we were given the assignment of having a "kenosis" experience. In Christian theology, kenosis (from the Greek word for emptiness) is the 'self-emptying' of one's own will and becoming entirely receptive to God's divine will. We were assigned to have an experience where we were to strip ourselves of something we were holding too tightly.. possibly something we were holding as an idol before God. I couldn't think of any material possession I felt I was holding too tightly and I became frustrated at trying to find something. I decided I would go to my room, kneel down, pray, and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal something I was putting between us. As I was praying, I happened to look over to my closet and see my really nice sleeping bag from REI, very expensive I might add, and felt a strong overwhelming push from the Holy Spirit. My immediate response was, "NOOOOO!!!!" However, the Holy Spirit continued to push and remind me what he has been speaking to me lately. 

     The very night before, I had a dream about going on a trip with my roommate. Before my roommate and I left, I packed into the car my bag of clothes, sleeping bag, and pillow. My roommate looked at me funny and told me I was only allowed to bring one bag. So I decided that my clothes were most important and I brought the sleeping bag and pillow back into the house. When we got to our location, my roommate got out of the car and unloaded his bag of clothes, his sleeping bag, and his pillow. I look at him bewildered and told him I thought we were only allowed to bring one bag. He said "Yeah, one BAG. I brought my sleeping bag and pillow because they aren't really 'bags'". I was a little angry. The dream continued with me having to sleep in a notch in the wall, high above the ground, on a blanket on hard floor; a very uncomfortable place. In the dream, the next morning, I wake up and see that I could have slept on a nice fluffy couch that no-one was using. Again, I found myself angry.

     I have been having many dreams lately. I seem to always have a lot of dreams, but I had never questioned the significance of them or knew if they ever meant anything. I ended up writing my dreams down in a journal and then giving them to a fellow RTI student, Brittany Cox, who has the spiritual gift of prophecy and interpreting dreams. The dream I just explained was very similar to dreams I have been having a lot. In Britt's response to my dreams she wrote, "These dreams keep pointing out a timidness to being caught in a position where you aren't fully comfortable, but God is still pushing for you to make a move."

     It was clear to me that God was asking me to empty myself of choosing comfort over His will. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to go behind Wallace Marine Park and give my stuff to someone homeless, and immediately I felt a sense of anxiety come over me. When God leads me to do something out of my comfort zone, I usually face what I now realize is the spiritual attack of anxiety and fear. But, God was asking me to give up my comfort for his Glory, and so I got in the car and started driving. 

     When I got there, I took my bag with the pillow, sleeping bag and tent inside, and headed off to the woods. I followed different paths, going further and further away from the park, heading deeper into the woods. It was beautiful. The sun was shining through the trees and the gentle breeze was refreshing. The trees were radiant green and I felt a sense of peace. I ended up coming to a little homeless shelter that someone had built and I peeked my head inside to see if anyone was home. No-one was there but I could tell the camp was being used. I took the sleeping bag, pillow, and tent, and propped them up against each other in the middle of the shelter. I emptied my wallet of the 27 dollars I had and placed it on top so someone would know that it was a gift and not just someone moving in. I through a couple rolls of toilet paper on top and called it good. 

     On my way back I stopped by the river and sat down on a patch of green grass. I had an overwhelming sense of peace and was reminded of Psalms 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul." That was the first time I understood "I lack nothing." If I have the Holy Spirit, if I have a God who loves me more than I can even fathom, who promises to provide for my every need.... I have everything. My prayer is that I will continue to follow God where he leads me, choosing his will over my comfort. I know it will not always be easy, but I will always know that he is with me.